Frustration leads to Motivation

This past week I have been on the farm with Keren and the workers finalizing the schedule for the next team to come. After returning from a visit at the coast which was so incredibly beautiful and refreshing and dropping the first team off, I was surprised at how tired I felt. Although I wasn’t able to make it to the clinic as often as I wanted, the times that I spent there were filled with many emotions. There are so many challenges here in the health sector, and so many limitations, it is very easy to get overwhelmed. Frustration set in even before the first year team left, and continued throughout the week. I was thankful that God has big enough shoulders to handle my anger as I prayed and sought after His wisdom.

One of the first situations that has challenged many of our emotions regarded Mai Ania, the grandma that we have been caring for with a broken hip. When we first arrived at camp, Mai Ania was living the home built for her by the mission and was being cared for by her neighbour Mai Lidia. It was a relationship that taught the entire team of true love and sacrifice. On one our visits, we were informed that Mai Ania husband and daughter wanted her to move back home to their community, which at first seemed like a really good idea. But after learning more about the situation, my heart sank as I realized that this had happened before and it resulted in poor treatment and neglect for Mai Ania as the other 4 wives of her husband were not willing to care for her. I couldn’t understand why Mai Ania would want to go back to such an unloving situation, knowing full well what would happen, but she was really excited. It hit me then, and continued to as the days went on that Mai Ania is like the rest of us, she wants to be loved, and regardless of how badly her family treats her, the invitation back was a reminder of their love for her in Mai Ania’s eyes. It saddened me, and I tried to not be too pessimistic about the situation, but my worry was deep as I thought about the many health problems that we were working with, and how the progress might drop significantly if Mai Ania was in that situation.

However, the day came and we as a team went to support Mai Ania in her decision and transported her in the back of a truck to her new home. Upon arrival, we were told to put her on the floor in front of a small hut, and as I did, I felt like I was deserting her. It is difficult to create the picture in words for you to understand, but in a way it would be like someone going from the hospital, where you are getting nursing care to being placed in downtown Calgary on the street inside of a cardboard box. But, as I looked at Ania, the smile on her face told me that she wanted to be there. Unfortunately, her husband who can hardly move himself wasn’t very welcoming, but I was thankful that her daughter was there to care for her.

After the team left, I have continued to go and see Mai Ania, and each day is a different picture of how she is doing. The first day that I got there after the weekend, she was lying in the hut crying from pain and told me she was cold. As I sat her up, her tears were splashing on my arm and I knew that it wasn’t going to be a good day. We worked together to move her sore limbs, and I asked if she had eaten that day. She explained to me that she only eats what is brought to her, and I didn’t see any sign of food being brought on a regular basis. I spent time trying to encourage her, and despite her pain, she went through the exercises and then asked to rest. It was so sad to help her settle back on that lonely mat…… I left with a very heavy heart.
The next time I visited, my frustration continued as I found her lying on the matt with no clothes, and her legs were so cold from the nights drop in temperature. As a woman who struggles with Leprosy, her circulation is already compromised in many ways, and so to see swelling and lack of circulation in both of her legs worried me greatly. As I held her legs in my hands and began to massage some heat into them, her whimpers of pain broke me. I was having trouble controlling my tears as I slowly began moving her toes one by one, then her ankles, and so on. I was so frustrated knowing that if we were in a different place, this woman’s life would be so different. But God gently reminded me that I needed to be present in the realities of this situation and to trust Him, and so we continued.

As I was finishing the exercises, I recognized a smell that I would never forget….. rotting flesh and so I began my search. It didn’t take long to discover a raging yeast infection under Mai Ania breasts that was seeping green mucous. I wondered how long it had been there, and wondered how I had missed that in previous visits, but I was thankful to have found it. Again, as many treatments do, pain was a part of cleaning, and so we prayed together and I continued. All the while, Mai Ania uttered words of thanks. I accepted that, but wondered how it was possible that this woman wasn’t even getting help with basic tasks of washing every day…. Which would avoid this kind of infection. How could a woman be in a community, but be totally ignored and neglected………. It made me want to go out and scream, but I know that I am in a different culture, in a place where life is walked in a different way, and God again reminded me that He had brought our teams for a purpose, and for Mai Ania. I was again encouraged and motivated to continue to do all that I could, knowing that with every step I needed to continue to rely on God’s strength.

At the end of the week Keren and I were able to visit Mai Ania once again, and we were very encouraged to see the progress that had happened. The rash, although still painful, was healing well and we were able to continue treatment. But even more exciting and encouraging was achieving the goal of getting Mai Ania into a chair. I think it had been months since this women had been off of the cold ground…and her smile told me of her joy as we lifted her into the chair. It almost seemed that she felt some of her dignity return, I saw hope in her eyes that I hadn’t seen since coming, and I felt a wave of encouragement come over all of us. As we again worked through the exercises, we took it one step further as Keren and I helped Mai Ania stand on her good leg. It was a victory in her life, as she had said on my first visit that she didn’t think she would ever walk again, and despite the fear that she felt, I could feel a bit of spirit return into this Grandmas heart. It was another reminder again, that God’s hope is present in all situations, regardless of how negative or hopeless that is seems. I am excited to see how God is going to use the next 4 weeks of the nursing student’s care in Mai Ania’s life. What an honor for us to be part of what God is doing………

It is funny how there are waves of emotions and experiences that come while in Africa, life continues no matter where you are. This week there have been other situations that have tore my heart apart and I realized that it was possible to feel anger and deep sadness at the same time. One of the struggles that has been rearing its head this year is the fact that even though there is a medical clinic, the people in the community don’t come for help soon enough. The result of this was reality again, as we heard of a workers baby dying after being sick for a few days. The moment I heard that, the weight on my shoulders just was so heavy, how could we tell the people that maybe we could help. How can we make them trust us enough or encourage them that coming to the clinic to the thing to do when their little ones are sick. Despite that fact that death seems to reign in this place, each life lost is exactly that…. A life lost. I glanced at the antibiotics and other medications that are sitting in the clinic, and it just broke my heart. Most times the babies and people are dying from things that can be treated….. if they come early enough. How is it possible that precious babies are dying from basic chest infections that would require a few days of antibiotics and rest, how is that reality, but it is. At times, it seems like I am getting a hard heart, as I didn’t weep outwardly as I did in the first year that I visited here. But my heart is not hard, it breaks every time I hear of those lives that are lost, but I still have to be effective. If I allow myself to really think about a little girl dying just as her life is beginning, if I thought about the mothers wailing and the fathers grief, if I thought about my own dear family members and what it would be like to lose them, I wouldn’t be able to take a step. I would be wailing on the ground just as the African people do when they meet the grief of death…….. but we must continue to try and educated, to treat, and to care. We must walk up to the clinic and into the communities and do all that God gives us the strength to do, and then, we must rest in the warmth of His sovereignty.

The heaviness this week deepened even more as I heard from one of the health workers that his 3 month old baby had eye problems. What he explained to me sounded like cataracts, something that I knew would end in blindness here, and so I asked him to bring her to me. It was so precious to see this grown man as he introduced me to his little girl. She was so beautiful, full head of dark curly hair, perfect features, small little hands and feet, what joy she would bring. I listened again to the story and heard that the entire family had experienced an eye infection over the past week. I learned that she had been healthy since birth, that she was a bit fussy in the evening, and that she was growing well. I learned that both her father and mother were suffering from lack of sleep because their daughter seemed to like to cry at night…… it sounded like a very typical infant. I began examining her eyes, and quickly noticed the problem. Her right eye was totally fine and her discontent was very clear that she didn’t like me shining lights in her eye. As I carefully opened the left eye, I quickly saw the problem and I knew that it wasn’t cataracts. I saw a small white circle on the lower part of her cornea, which most likely started as a small scratch on her eye, but had developed into scar tissue, known as a corneal scar.

This kind of problem is very commonly seen, and can be easily treated. The health worker had begun treatment of the eye, but despite the treatment, the scar had formed. Often, by putting a patch over the eye, and using antibiotic cream, the formation of the scar tissue can be avoided, but the health worker hadn’t brought the child to the clinic because he thought it would get better like the rest of his family. He looked at me, asking if I knew how to fix this problem, and having worked with him for the past 4 years, and considering him a friend, it was very difficult to explain to him that this might not be able to be fixed. He asked me if his girl would be blind, and again, as my heart sank, I tried to explain that I didn’t know for sure. We started some treatment, patched the eye, and prayed for his little girl. In Canada, there are corneal transplants and other surgical treatments available for this kind of problem, but in Mozambique, that would be very difficult to get done because of limited options of medical care and the high costs.

As I had felt many times throughout the week, I was frustrated that I hadn’t heard about the little girl earlier, although there is no guarantee that I could have helped, we might have been able to avoid some of the complications that I was seeing. I was again saddened at the thought of this perfect little girl possibly losing her sight and thought about how that would impact her life. But, I also felt motivated to do whatever I could to teach the people how to care for themselves, motivated to search and use all the resources that I can to try and help this little baby, motivated to help the people know to come to the clinic.

It is people like Mai Ania, and this little baby, and the many others that I see in the community and in the clinic that motivate me to continue trying our best to serve and love how Jesus would. The nursing teams that come don’t implement life saving measures, we don’t cure, we don’t make obvious changes in the lives of the people that we see, but we do try to love. God is always working, I reminded some of my students of that when discouragement came, and this week, I needed that reminder myself. We may not always see what God is doing but we can rest knowing that He is always working through us, or even despite us. And what He asks of us is a willing spirit to do what He needs, which may not be what we think should happen or even what we came to do. But with a willing spirit and total surrender to God’s plan, I have seen over and over the victories that come. Despite the sadness, frustration, anger, and many other emotions, I know at the depth of my heart that one day all of the suffering and the pain will end, and again I am so thankful for that promise. Until that day, we will continue to do what God has called all of us to…. Love Him and love those around us with all of our strength.

Much love from Africa.

Suzanne